Friday, November 18, 2011

Quacktion Figure™ Friday: Chiropractor

Have you ever wanted to heal people, but found the complexities of medicine too much to handle? Thought how nice it would be to have a single cause of all diseases? Do you think of how nice it would be to fleece people using a made-up device that doesn't work as claimed, but find yourself bound by your own ethics and a desire to do no harm?

Well, fret no more. Harpocrates Speaks brings you Chiropractor!


That's right. With Chiropractor, you can dream up your own theory of disease based on non-existent spinal displacements and pinched nerves. No matter how unconnected with the musculoskeletal system, you can claim to cure anything with a simple shove of the vertebrae using your Chiropractic Adjusting Tool (C.A.T.). Kid have an earache? No problem! Don't worry that no auditory nerves pass through the spine; just a quick twist of the neck is all it takes. Diagnose all manner of diseases using your patented e-meter. Measure the non-existent "innate intelligence" and interpret the readings to mean anything you want! And with the flexible model of the human spine, you can demonstrate how misalignments of the vertebrae look so scary to remind them that regular treatments are needed. Keep 'em coming "back" for more!

Chiropractor stands 5¾" tall and comes with:
  • Chiropractic Adjusting Tool (C.A.T.)
  • Flexible model of the spine
  • E-meter
Malpractice insurance to cover adjustment-induced stroke sold separately.

The Fine Print
Figure not actually for sale. Figure and text intended as a work of satire. Image copyright Todd W. and Lil Peck. Quacktion Figure™ is a trademark of Todd W. and Harpocrates Speaks.

Complete Quacktion Figure™ series


  1. Yay! Keep 'em coming! I may well have to collect the whole set if ever you get round to making them.

  2. Chiropractic treatment is also beneficial to offer relaxation to tired and sore muscles.

    Chiropractor Melbourne

  3. Several factors could cause pain in the mid-back area. Some are domestic and industrial accidents of falling, stress, and bad posture. Carrying objects that are too heavy could also bring about this condition. waukesha wi chiropractors

  4. "No auditory nerves pass through the spine" is a moot point. The nuclei of origin for cranial nerves VII-X, all of which control the pharyngotympanic tube, are all located on the brain stem at the level of C1. Not only is the transverse process of C1 millimeters away from these nuclei, and could be compress a few of them with very slight displacement of the vertebra, but this area of the cord can be tethered and stretched by the denticulate ligaments following any malrotation. Otitis media is a problems specifically concerning the pharyngotympanic tube.


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