Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Help! I have Polio!

I thought it was just after effects of exercising. I figured that I would be fine, that I would recover without any ill effects. In fact, I thought that my health would improve a fair bit overall: improve strength and stamina, more flexibility, improved balance. That's what I expected. But then I started doing some research and that's when I found out: I have polio. I mean, I have polio-like symptoms:
  • Headaches
  • Back pain
  • Neck pain
  • Muscle tenderness
  • Fatigue
Based on this, I must clearly have polio. I mean, there is no meaningful distinction between "polio" and "polio-like symptoms." A recently published study by Holland, et al. (PDF), in the Pace Environmental Review stated the same thing for autism:
there is no meaningful difference between "autism" and "autism-like symptoms." (p. 493)
Now, there are some who might argue that there is a distinction, medically speaking, between polio and polio-like symptoms, but they are clearly held in the grip of Big PharmaTM. Don't let them fool you. I know I have polio because I have polio-like symptoms. And since there is no meaningful distinction between the terms "polio" and "polio-like symptoms," then the only possible answer is that the cause of my distress is nothing else but polio. I'm sure the folks at Age of Autism will back me up on this one.

So, if you have any of the symptoms above, start planning out your last days, because you, my friend, have polio.
It should go without saying that all of the above is satire. But, just in case someone didn't get it, it's satire! I do not have polio. Do not take any of the above as medical advice. If you have medical questions, ask your doctor instead of going by some faceless text on the internet.

1 comment:

  1. You know, if those folks who pretend to be epidemiologists (or want to critique epidemiology) really wanted to be fair, they would look at case definitions. (Perhaps I didn't make it clear in the epi night school, which I need to wrap up.) Case definitions exist for a reason, so we can differentiate between the wheat and the chaff, so to speak. Flu-like illness is NOT the flu because, to be the flu, we need a lab diagnosis.

    I know, I know, "they" are going to say that there is no lab test for autism. However, there is a widely accepted set of medical standards that must be met for a child to be diagnosed as autistic, such as missed milestones and what not. That is, we need something objective in order to make a diagnosis.

    "Like" is not objective. Flu-like consists of fever, cough, sore throat. Well, what is a fever? Is it 100 degrees? 101? 102? And what constitutes a sore throat? Pain is relative, after all.

    Ah, but these "lawyers" decided to take the leap and say that autism-like and autism are not being "meaningfully" different. Can you imagine the kind of heat I'd catch if I started telling everyone with flu-like illness that they have the flu? Why, I'd be laughed out the profession!

    Good way to make a point, Todd.


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