A Confession

This post was very hard for me to write. For four years, now, I've been writing this blog. Four years putting out post after post refuting the claims of "anti-vaxers". For several years before that, I was active in the comments of a few different sites, trying to be quick to respond anytime someone questioned vaccines. All this time, so many hours pushing the pro-vaccine angle. But I just cannot, in good conscience, continue. Not any more. The little bit of income I earn for my efforts just isn't worth the guilt. Not after this past weekend.

What happened? What changed my mind? Last weekend, I attended the Pharma-sponsored Midwest Conference on Vaccines. This is the first time I've been to this conference, now in its sixteenth year, and the first time I've met many of my blogging colleagues face-to-face. Normally, all of my dealings with the inner workings of the pro-vaccine machine have been through email or snail mail. I get my orders. I write. I get paid. Simple, easy money. To say that this conference was an eye-opening experience is an understatement.

4th Grade Creationist Science Quiz

A recent post by Phil Plait reminded my of something I came across a while back. I had intended to blog about it earlier, but I needed to make sure I could verify it before I posted it. When I first saw it, I couldn't believe that it was true. So, I did a bit of digging. No mere search on the interwebz turned up the evidence I needed. I had to trek incredible distances and delve into long-forgotten cafés and cobweb bedecked back rooms. Shady characters named "Barry" become well-known to me in my quest. In the end, I discovered that what you are about to see is totally, completely as real as Miracle Max.

Brace yourselves.

A Candid Interview with Age of Unreason Minister of Truth Nancy Bashful

I recently had the opportunity to sit down with Age of Unreason's Minister of Truth, Nancy Bashful. I knocked on the door of her suburban home, glancing off to the gardens to my right as the smell of manure from nearby farms wafted through the air. I was greeted by this middle aged midwestern mother with her short, bottle blonde hair. I couldn't tell whether the smug, self-satisfied smirk was her natural expression or one she put on for my benefit.

Ms. Bashful welcomed me in and led me to a well-worn sofa, the kind that sort of swallows you in and threatens to show you just where missing nickels and stale Chex Mix go. She settled herself at a small desk that sported a dusty Dell Inspiron, its cooling fan wheezing like an asthmatic in an iron lung. A television in the corner blared QVC, gaudy paste jewelry and kitschy porcelain figurines parading across the screen. She lowered the volume and turned toward me, keeping one eye on her monitor's strobing screen.

Madonnaplot Health Officials Shun Social Media Following 'Mystery Illness' Deaths

March 7, 2012 - On Monday, reports went out that three members of a Lousy, Madonnaplot family had died following a mystery illness. A fourth member of the family was hospitalized and is critically ill. Speculation began almost immediately, spreading via internet media, like Twitter and Facebook. Some suggested it was SARS or bird flu. Others claimed anthrax. Prominent news outlets picked up the rumors before any press releases had been issued by the Madonnaplot Department of Health and Mental Hygiene.

Finally, authorities released a statement that the mystery illness appeared to be confined to the family and that no precautions were necessary. However, local authorities, as well as FBI agents alerted by top DHMH officials, donned hazmat gear before entering the family's home. Amid wild speculation, why did it take so long for authorities to address the rampant rumors?

I.D.I.O.T. Director Muzzles Public Health Educator for Being Mean

March 1, 2012 - In a shocking move, Bouffon L. Kiekenlever, MSW, Director of the Infectious Disease Information Outreach Team (IDIOT) at the Madonnaplot State Department of Health and Mental Hygiene, muzzled a public health advocate and educator's personal outreach efforts. In a statement released by the IDIOT, Ms. Kiekenlever acknowledges that she literally gagged Robert Morgan Sliepcevich, an infectious disease investigator for the department, and tied his hands in response to several complaints made by members of the public.

"He had developed a habit of teaching people, in easy to understand terms, concepts about infectious diseases, epidemiology and statistics," said Kiekenlever. "That upset people."

The complaints were lodged by members of the online community Age of Unreason, many of whom subscribe to the tabloid broadsheets published by the National Vaccine Misinformation Center. One of these letters was leaked to Harpocrates Speaks.

Quacktion Figures™ Will Have to Remain a Dream

Back in November, I put up a survey to gauge interest in my series of Quacktion Figures™, created with the help of Lil Peck. Generally, feedback on the figures was positive, and I thought it would be great to have them produced. Personally, I would love to own one of each.

With the help of one of my readers, I looked at some companies that manufacture action figures to see how much it would cost. Turns out, action figures are friggin' expensive! There are some one-off shops that will produce very small batches of limited-run figures, but they tend to run into the hundreds per figure. Other companies can produce large batches, but they tend to have a minimum number of figures per order, like in the 2,000+ range. While the costs to those interested in purchasing one would be cheaper with the large-scale production route, I would really need to be sure that there was enough interest to make it worth my while. Otherwise, I'd be spending a lot of money to have hundreds or thousands of figures taking up space in my home.

And so, I did the survey. What did I find out?

The Path of Autism Causation Research

A post over at Respectful Insolence inspired me. It gave me an idea for a post that can only be expressed in pictures. So, here you go:

Quacktion Figure™ Friday: Homeopath

Do you feel constrained by physics, chemistry and biology? Does the idea of selling Tic Tacs at a 5,000% markup appeal to you? Want to be part of a billion-dollar-a-year industry that rivals Big Pharma^TM? Would you like to bang cups of water on a Bible to magically turn them into healing tonics?

Well, now you can. Harpocrates Speaks brings you Homeopath!

Homeopath

That's right. With Homeopath, you can kiss Avogadro's Limit goodbye! Got the flu? Not a problem for Homeopath. Just eviscerate a duck, drop a bit of its liver in some water, then dilute until only H₂O remains. Use the lever on back for magic succussing action to "potentize" your nostrum, then drip it on a sugar pill. Fend off critics with claims that water has memory, but somehow forgets all the poop it's touched. Sure your remedies don't do jack, but who can resist such a "sweet" personality?

Homeopath stands 5¾" tall and comes with:

• Eviscerated duck
• Flask
• Dropper
• Scalpel

Table not included. Legal thuggery expansion pack sold separately.

The Fine Print
Figure not actually for sale. Figure and text intended as a work of satire. Image copyright Todd W. and Lil Peck. Quacktion Figure™ is a trademark of Todd W. and Harpocrates Speaks.

Complete Quacktion Figure™ series

May As Well Try to Stop a Storm...

Clouds gather on the horizon. Thunder, like deep, rolling laughter, rumbles forth. A storm is gathering. Watching the approach from a vast, flat plain, a lone figure stands, clad all in maille and wearing the livery of his liege lord, shouting defiance to the heavens while brandishing a long metal pole. Marcus had always envisioned himself a great warrior, yet his simpleness of mind was apparent as he stood on that plain, watching the storm draw nearer and nearer.

Behind him rose the small, yet ornately decorated manor house of his lord, Stanis, whose wealth was accumulated through false promises to those desperate enough to turn to him for succor. The manor was surrounded by open land sloping gently down to the building. Its moat was filled with the dreams and hopes of the sick who sought relief at its doors.

Lightning flashed, arcing through the air between cloud and servant, drawn to the idiotic pomp enshrouding Marcus. Bolt after bolt zigged and zagged to the metal man, and every one then being drawn to the manor house and the lord watching from its lone turret. The more Marcus shook his fist impotently at the sky, the more frequent and powerful grew the display of light. He would as soon try to silence a speaker of truth as stop the storm about to plunge him, and his Stanis, under a flood.
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To put this all in context, check out the posts linked by Liz Ditz, Josephine Jones and Anarchic Teapot. For how the storm started, check out Rhys Morgan and Le Canard Noir. And if you like this little story or think that the tin man needs some more well-directed shocks, please consider sharing this on Twitter.

Quacktion Figure™ Friday: Faith Healer

Do you dream of working only one day a week? Have you ever thought how nice it would be to draw crowds of thousands to pack a stadium, all to see you? Ever thought how easy it would be to pay for that private jet, California mansion and the latest Porsche if only you were willing to take advantage of the religious faithful?

Well, now you can. Harpocrates Speaks brings you Faith Healer!

Faith Healer

That's right. With Faith Healer, you can pack 'em into the nearest stadium and convince them you can actually speak to God. With the easily hidden radio ear piece, your wife can feed you information on attendees gleaned as they entered, wowing them with your miraculous insights into their lives. Call the believers up on stage and use the lever in back for Miracle Faith Healing action! To drain the pockets of those who couldn't attend your stage act, just sell them your Miracle Money Incense. Your promises to pray for them when they send you back the ashes and $50 will end their money woes. After all, if they have no money, they have nothing to worry about!

Faith Healer stands 5¾" tall and comes with:

• Radio ear piece
• Miracle Money incense
• Wad o' cash

Wheelchair for "Make 'Em Walk Again" scam sold separately.

The Fine Print
Figure not actually for sale. Figure and text intended as a work of satire. Image copyright Todd W. and Lil Peck. Quacktion Figure™ is a trademark of Todd W. and Harpocrates Speaks.

Complete Quacktion Figure™ series

Quacktion Figure™ Friday: Chiropractor

Have you ever wanted to heal people, but found the complexities of medicine too much to handle? Thought how nice it would be to have a single cause of all diseases? Do you think of how nice it would be to fleece people using a made-up device that doesn't work as claimed, but find yourself bound by your own ethics and a desire to do no harm?

Well, fret no more. Harpocrates Speaks brings you Chiropractor!

Chiropractor

That's right. With Chiropractor, you can dream up your own theory of disease based on non-existent spinal displacements and pinched nerves. No matter how unconnected with the musculoskeletal system, you can claim to cure anything with a simple shove of the vertebrae using your Chiropractic Adjusting Tool (C.A.T.). Kid have an earache? No problem! Don't worry that no auditory nerves pass through the spine; just a quick twist of the neck is all it takes. Diagnose all manner of diseases using your patented e-meter. Measure the non-existent "innate intelligence" and interpret the readings to mean anything you want! And with the flexible model of the human spine, you can demonstrate how misalignments of the vertebrae look so scary to remind them that regular treatments are needed. Keep 'em coming "back" for more!

Chiropractor stands 5¾" tall and comes with:

• Chiropractic Adjusting Tool (C.A.T.)
• Flexible model of the spine
• E-meter

Malpractice insurance to cover adjustment-induced stroke sold separately.

The Fine Print
Figure not actually for sale. Figure and text intended as a work of satire. Image copyright Todd W. and Lil Peck. Quacktion Figure™ is a trademark of Todd W. and Harpocrates Speaks.

Complete Quacktion Figure™ series

National Vaccine Misinformation Center Calls Out AAP for Using Free Speech to Promote Reality

Recently, the American Academy of Protecting Kids' Health (AAP), a physician group whose goal is to promote practices and education to keep children healthy, wrote a letter of protest to Melting Airlines' decision to run a misinformative ad about influenza. The ad, paid for by the National Vaccine Misinformation Center (NVMC), discusses what on the surface appears to be good advice for avoiding the flu. The AAP disagrees with the ad because rather than directing people to a web site with accurate and truly informative information, it drives people to the NVMC web site, which is a cesspool of rank claptrap.

Barbie Moe Flusher, founder and president of the NVMC, has taken umbrage at the characterization of her organization as one that:

opposes the nation's recommended childhood immunization schedule and promotes the unscientific practice of delaying or skipping vaccines altogether

Quacktion Figure™ Friday: Chelation Therapist

Do you have a child with autism? Know someone with cancer? Do you wish there were some magic bullet to use instead of costly behavioral therapy or intense regimens of surgery, radiation and chemotherapy? Would you like to use experimental treatments outside a clinical trial setting? Are pesky regulations keeping you from doing any of this?

Well, now you can change all that. Harpocrates Speaks brings you Chelation Therapist!

Chelation Therapist

That's right. With Chelation Therapist, you can develop your own evidence-free therapies that are one-size fits all! Want to boost the immune system? Just inject a little urine. Autism? Use your very own experimental chelation cream! Breast cancer? Chelate! Prostate cancer? Chelate? Lung cancer? Chelate! Chelate! Chelate! And should the local medical board look askance at your maverick ways, just use your political influence to change the laws and hamstring those "rabid dogs"! Easy as buttering up some bread.

Chelation Therapist stands 5¾" tall and comes with:

• Urine-filled syringe
• Experimental chelation cream

Pocket legislator sold separately.

The Fine Print
Figure not actually for sale. Figure and text intended as a work of satire. Image copyright Todd W. and Lil Peck. Quacktion Figure™ is a trademark of Todd W. and Harpocrates Speaks.

Complete Quacktion Figure™ series

Quacktion Figure™ Friday: Ayurvedic Guru

Are you a medical doctor, tired of the drudgeries of trying to actually heal people? Have you ever thought, "Wouldn't it be nice if I could just make people think they were feeling better without doing all that messy real medicine"? Does the idea of raking in the dough and building a mass media presence by spewing mindless pablum and misusing terms like "quantum" appeal to you?

Well, now you can do all that and more. Harpocrates Speaks brings you Ayurvedic Guru!

Ayurvedic Guru

That's right. With Ayurvedic Guru, you can tell people to take herbs instead of real medicine. Your messages of love and peace will make people feel better, even while their conditions worsen. Worried about pesky questions from skeptics? Just wow them with your keen grasp of quantum mechanics. Present your very own Schroedinger's cat to prove the truth of your quantum woo. Sure, you might not convince people that know better, but your adoring fans will lap it all up!

Ayurvedic Guru stands 5¾" tall and comes with:

• Sprig of Herbs
• Simultaneously alive and dead cat

Miniature library of fanciful books, CDs and videos sold separately.

The Fine Print
Figure not actually for sale. Figure and text intended as a work of satire. Image copyright Todd W. and Lil Peck. Quacktion Figure™ is a trademark of Todd W. and Harpocrates Speaks.

Complete Quacktion Figure™ series

Quacktion Figure™ Friday: Anti-Vaccine Researcher

Ever wanted to enjoy the adoration of tens of others? Had an idea for a new product to patent, but had pesky competitors that needed discrediting? Have you ever dreamed of creating a controversy where there was none? Have you thought that violating research ethics would be a quick way to accomplish all this, but never had the narcissistic chutzpah to pull it off?

Well, now you can. Harpocrates Speaks brings you Anti-Vaccine Researcher!

Anti-Vaccine Researcher

Now you, too, can fake data for a paper and have it retracted. With Anti-Vaccine Researcher, you can pay children £5 each to bleed 'em dry! Cry, "Conspiracy!" to your adoring fans and hold your own medical practice board hearing where you can choose not to present any evidence in your own defense!

Anti-Vaccine Researcher stands 5¾" tall and comes with:

• £5 Note
• Vial of Blood
• Retracted Paper

Self-aggrandizing book of fiction sold separately.

The Fine Print
Figure not actually for sale. Figure and text intended as a work of satire. Image copyright Todd W. and Lil Peck. Quacktion Figure™ is a trademark of Todd W. and Harpocrates Speaks.

Complete Quacktion Figure™ series

Announcing "Quacktion Figures™"!

If you read this blog, chances are, you're more of a reality-based individual. You prefer good, hard evidence over stories from your friend's brother's girlfriend's cousin's former roommate's grandfather's ex-military buddy. When it comes to medicine, you like the kind that actually works, that really improves your health rather than just making you think you're better while your liver is gasping for life. You probably look at scam artists and think, "If only I lacked ethics, I could rake it in just like that guy."

Well, fear no more. Announcing Quacktion Figures™! Now you can pretend with the best of them. Objective improvements, smobjective improvements. What matters is how the patient feels, not whether their cancer actually goes away!

Over the next several weeks, I will be putting up a new quacktion figure every Friday. Be forewarned; these are meant as satire. For the humor-impaired, please take a look at New Times v. Isaacks.

Also, I have to give a well-deserved shout-out to the artist who helped me give form to my idea. Lil Peck put in quite a bit of time to give form to each of the figures. Show her some love.

Finally, these only exist in digital form and are unavailable for actual sale, so, sorry, no stocking stuffers for you (though I think it would be amazing if someone actually built some of these).

Stay tuned!

Quacktion Figure™ is a trademark of Todd W. and Harpocrates Speaks.

Complete Quacktion Figure™ series