Quacktion Figure™ Friday: Faith Healer

Do you dream of working only one day a week? Have you ever thought how nice it would be to draw crowds of thousands to pack a stadium, all to see you? Ever thought how easy it would be to pay for that private jet, California mansion and the latest Porsche if only you were willing to take advantage of the religious faithful?

Well, now you can. Harpocrates Speaks brings you Faith Healer!

Faith Healer

That's right. With Faith Healer, you can pack 'em into the nearest stadium and convince them you can actually speak to God. With the easily hidden radio ear piece, your wife can feed you information on attendees gleaned as they entered, wowing them with your miraculous insights into their lives. Call the believers up on stage and use the lever in back for Miracle Faith Healing action! To drain the pockets of those who couldn't attend your stage act, just sell them your Miracle Money Incense. Your promises to pray for them when they send you back the ashes and $50 will end their money woes. After all, if they have no money, they have nothing to worry about!

Faith Healer stands 5¾" tall and comes with:

• Radio ear piece
• Miracle Money incense
• Wad o' cash

Wheelchair for "Make 'Em Walk Again" scam sold separately.

The Fine Print
Figure not actually for sale. Figure and text intended as a work of satire. Image copyright Todd W. and Lil Peck. Quacktion Figure™ is a trademark of Todd W. and Harpocrates Speaks.

Complete Quacktion Figure™ series

Report on MN Measles Outbreak from IDSA

Several weeks ago, from October 20-23, Boston, MA played host to the 49th Annual Meeting of the Infectious Disease Society of America (IDSA). This conference gives physicians, scientists and other health care professionals an opportunity to continue learning about the pathophysiology, diagnosis, treatment and prevention of infectious diseases, as well as to connect with colleagues from around the country. The conference presents speaker sessions, poster presentations, exhibits and networking opportunities.

One of the poster presentations at IDSA covered the measles outbreak in Minnesota earlier this year. Presented by several members of the Minnesota Department of Health (lead author, Pamela Gahr, MPH, Cynthia Kenyon, MPH, David Boxrud, MS, Karen White, MPH and Ruth Lynfield, MD) and Hennepin County Human Services and Public Health (Erica Bagstad, MS, MPH), the poster offered a closer look into how and why measles was able to spread, as well as insight into some of the difficulties involved in investigating and controlling the outbreak.

Quacktion Figure™ Friday: Chiropractor

Have you ever wanted to heal people, but found the complexities of medicine too much to handle? Thought how nice it would be to have a single cause of all diseases? Do you think of how nice it would be to fleece people using a made-up device that doesn't work as claimed, but find yourself bound by your own ethics and a desire to do no harm?

Well, fret no more. Harpocrates Speaks brings you Chiropractor!

Chiropractor

That's right. With Chiropractor, you can dream up your own theory of disease based on non-existent spinal displacements and pinched nerves. No matter how unconnected with the musculoskeletal system, you can claim to cure anything with a simple shove of the vertebrae using your Chiropractic Adjusting Tool (C.A.T.). Kid have an earache? No problem! Don't worry that no auditory nerves pass through the spine; just a quick twist of the neck is all it takes. Diagnose all manner of diseases using your patented e-meter. Measure the non-existent "innate intelligence" and interpret the readings to mean anything you want! And with the flexible model of the human spine, you can demonstrate how misalignments of the vertebrae look so scary to remind them that regular treatments are needed. Keep 'em coming "back" for more!

Chiropractor stands 5¾" tall and comes with:

• Chiropractic Adjusting Tool (C.A.T.)
• Flexible model of the spine
• E-meter

Malpractice insurance to cover adjustment-induced stroke sold separately.

The Fine Print
Figure not actually for sale. Figure and text intended as a work of satire. Image copyright Todd W. and Lil Peck. Quacktion Figure™ is a trademark of Todd W. and Harpocrates Speaks.

Complete Quacktion Figure™ series

National Vaccine Misinformation Center Calls Out AAP for Using Free Speech to Promote Reality

Recently, the American Academy of Protecting Kids' Health (AAP), a physician group whose goal is to promote practices and education to keep children healthy, wrote a letter of protest to Melting Airlines' decision to run a misinformative ad about influenza. The ad, paid for by the National Vaccine Misinformation Center (NVMC), discusses what on the surface appears to be good advice for avoiding the flu. The AAP disagrees with the ad because rather than directing people to a web site with accurate and truly informative information, it drives people to the NVMC web site, which is a cesspool of rank claptrap.

Barbie Moe Flusher, founder and president of the NVMC, has taken umbrage at the characterization of her organization as one that:

opposes the nation's recommended childhood immunization schedule and promotes the unscientific practice of delaying or skipping vaccines altogether

The Sequelae of Pox

A couple weekends ago, something of a firestorm erupted among skeptical bloggers. Namely, the news about parents sending pox-laden lollipops through the mail. It was covered by Mike the Mad Biologist, Emily Willingham, Reuben, Tara Smith, Orac and Phil Plait. Largely, the various bloggers, myself included, condemned the parents in the original story because they were knowingly sending infectious material in the mail.

Some folks in the comments of the various articles made the observation that every day, people lick envelopes, handle packages in perhaps less than sterile conditions and so, perhaps unwittingly, leave unintended presents for the recipients, not to mention the delivery personnel. How is that any different from what these parents have done?

Quacktion Figure™ Friday: Chelation Therapist

Do you have a child with autism? Know someone with cancer? Do you wish there were some magic bullet to use instead of costly behavioral therapy or intense regimens of surgery, radiation and chemotherapy? Would you like to use experimental treatments outside a clinical trial setting? Are pesky regulations keeping you from doing any of this?

Well, now you can change all that. Harpocrates Speaks brings you Chelation Therapist!

Chelation Therapist

That's right. With Chelation Therapist, you can develop your own evidence-free therapies that are one-size fits all! Want to boost the immune system? Just inject a little urine. Autism? Use your very own experimental chelation cream! Breast cancer? Chelate! Prostate cancer? Chelate? Lung cancer? Chelate! Chelate! Chelate! And should the local medical board look askance at your maverick ways, just use your political influence to change the laws and hamstring those "rabid dogs"! Easy as buttering up some bread.

Chelation Therapist stands 5¾" tall and comes with:

• Urine-filled syringe
• Experimental chelation cream

Pocket legislator sold separately.

The Fine Print
Figure not actually for sale. Figure and text intended as a work of satire. Image copyright Todd W. and Lil Peck. Quacktion Figure™ is a trademark of Todd W. and Harpocrates Speaks.

Complete Quacktion Figure™ series

Pox by Post

Something came to light today that made me despair for the human race. I first read it at Mike the Mad Biologist's blog. It was also covered by Emily over at The Biology Files, where Emily took a look at just who the people were that were involved. Reuben wrote about it at The Poxes Blog and Tara discussed it at Aetiology.

What could have gotten the medical and skeptical blogosphere in such an uproar? This story.

Quacktion Figure™ Friday: Ayurvedic Guru

Are you a medical doctor, tired of the drudgeries of trying to actually heal people? Have you ever thought, "Wouldn't it be nice if I could just make people think they were feeling better without doing all that messy real medicine"? Does the idea of raking in the dough and building a mass media presence by spewing mindless pablum and misusing terms like "quantum" appeal to you?

Well, now you can do all that and more. Harpocrates Speaks brings you Ayurvedic Guru!

Ayurvedic Guru

That's right. With Ayurvedic Guru, you can tell people to take herbs instead of real medicine. Your messages of love and peace will make people feel better, even while their conditions worsen. Worried about pesky questions from skeptics? Just wow them with your keen grasp of quantum mechanics. Present your very own Schroedinger's cat to prove the truth of your quantum woo. Sure, you might not convince people that know better, but your adoring fans will lap it all up!

Ayurvedic Guru stands 5¾" tall and comes with:

• Sprig of Herbs
• Simultaneously alive and dead cat

Miniature library of fanciful books, CDs and videos sold separately.

The Fine Print
Figure not actually for sale. Figure and text intended as a work of satire. Image copyright Todd W. and Lil Peck. Quacktion Figure™ is a trademark of Todd W. and Harpocrates Speaks.

Complete Quacktion Figure™ series

A Little Bit of Poison in a Sweet, Inviting Wrapper

If you follow me on Twitter (and if you don't, why aren't you?), you have likely already heard about a PSA put out by the National Vaccine Information Center (NVIC) and Mercola.com, two slick anti-vaccine organizations. The PSA is being run on Delta Airlines flight. You can read more about it at Skepchick and Respectful Insolence. The Skepchick article includes steps you can take to combat the propaganda, including a link to a petition to get Delta to stop showing it on their flights.

The video is available on YouTube (Update: It looks like NVIC removed the video at that link, but it is still up here and here [Update: looks like it has been removed from Facebook, now, too]), but cannot be embedded. Comments have also been turned off, perhaps to avoid inconvenient critiques from science-minded individuals. On the surface, it appears to be pretty good advice, so why all the fuss?

Because the PSA includes some iffy information and, more importantly, directs people to the NVIC web site, which is rife with misinformation and distortions of fact.

An Open Letter to the United States Congress

Dear Members of Congress,

I recently learned that you passed, overwhelmingly, a resolution (PDF) reaffirming "In God We Trust" as the official motto of the United States. I am left to wonder, why?

Have you, unbeknown to the rest of the country, implemented legislation to help create jobs? Have you worked to improve health care? Cut down our debt? Eliminate waste?

How much time did you take away from important matters to not only vote on this, but to draft, read, refer to committee, approve and all the steps required to bring this to the full House?